Dear EA, please standardize your !@#$%^& football contro

[Brando70]

Allow me to do my Lewis Black impersonation,

To the football developers at EA,

Listen up, f--knuts! I purchase both of your g------ed football games EVERY year. That's $100 of my money that I divert from my retirement or my groceries or my drug habit, all so I can bask in the glow of receivers catching balls in triple coverage or option teams passing 50 times a game. I'm a repeat customer, the unshaven, pasty older guy who shoves snot-nosed 12-year olds out of the way on release day, grabs the Electronics Boutique clerk by the collar, and says, "You don't want to see what's next if my pre-order isn't in!"

There are thousands, no, MILLIONS of obsessive-compulsive football freaks out there just like me. We play our NCAA dynasties and import our players into Madden and win Super Bowls and bask in the imaginary cheers of adoring fans, which for 50 minutes drowns out the murderous muttering of the squirrels outside our windows.

So why--WHY?--would a company that makes two football games give them different control schemes? Are you trying to put me over the edge? Are your developers so gravitationally challenged that they can't walk across the hall and say, "Hey, Bob, what are you fat f---s doing with the R stick?"

It's like taking my keyboard, and after I get done typing an e-mail, you move all the keys around for my next message. The T is where the Z is, the P is where the A is, and if I want to hit Enter, I have to jam a finger up my ass.

And what about the kicking meters -- they're two different speeds. You know, when the police finally catch me and find all my victims, that's going to be my defense: temporary insanity from shanking 5 punts in a row because the kicking meter in the college game is different than the one in the pro game on the same skill level!

So standardize your controls, or you're going to see a drooling man showing up at your doorstep in San Jose or Florida or Canada, or wherever the f--k it is that you churn this s--t out, and he's going to be babbling about snot bubbles and horse trailers and go-to guys while he alternates how he fires a pistol.

[MizzouRah]

That might be the funniest post I've ever read... good stuff Brando. I'm still laughing.

I love this line:

"Hey, Bob, what are you fat f---s doing with the R stick?"

You should send EA this letter, seriously.

[TheTruth]

I believe the kicking meter is much faster in madden than in ncaa. Pigpen and I shanked many a kick last night cause we kept hitting the button too soon on the down "swing"...hehe.

[Sport73]

Great post, sums it up for me...

I suggest everyone who agrees post here, and we send it to EA as a petition!

[Leebo33]

..but I'm not pasty.

[sportdan30]

Nice post. I really do wish someone would have an all out tantrum with one of the developer's as he walks to his car at the end of the day. It really does not a make a damn bit of sense. Personally, the juke stick using the right stick is perfect and very responsive. Why they chose to use the left and right triggers in Madden is beyond me. It's as if they took a step back......by about 3 years!

[Brando70]

I believe the kicking meter is much faster in madden than in ncaa. Pigpen and I shanked many a kick last night cause we kept hitting the button too soon on the down "swing"...hehe.

Truth, you're right, I changed the post. I had the same problem with DB last night (one of the many problems I had in that game).

[shpankey]

I believe the kicking meter is much faster in madden than in ncaa. Pigpen and I shanked many a kick last night cause we kept hitting the button too soon on the down "swing"...hehe.

actually I think it is faster in NCAA. everytime I go from NCAA to Madden, in Madden I hit it short of the sweet spot range at the bottom.

[Leebo33]

It's not the speed of the Madden meter...it's the way that the speed changes if you get closer to full power. This doesn't happen in NCAA (or at least isn't nearly as significant), does it? I haven't played NCAA since Madden came out and I forget.

[pigpen81]

Yeah, Truth and I put on a kicking fest last night....it was brutal. The freaking kicking meter in NCAA is much slower then Madden causing us to shank at least 8 kicks between us.

The lack of synchronicity in both has to be the biggest screwup of the year for EA.

Thanks for the laugh Brando.

[dbdynsty25]

We play our NCAA dynasties and import our players into Madden and win Super Bowls and bask in the imaginary cheers of adoring fans, which for 50 minutes drowns out the murderous muttering of the squirrels outside our windows.

Great post Superior Man...your pre-release copy of Gameday 2007 awaits.

[sportdan30]

We play our NCAA dynasties and import our players into Madden and win Super Bowls and bask in the imaginary cheers of adoring fans, which for 50 minutes drowns out the murderous muttering of the squirrels outside our windows.

Great post Superior Man...your pre-release copy of Gameday 2007 awaits.

G-d, I miss that guy.

[bdoughty]

We play our NCAA dynasties and import our players into Madden and win Super Bowls and bask in the imaginary cheers of adoring fans, which for 50 minutes drowns out the murderous muttering of the squirrels outside our windows.

Great post Superior Man...your pre-release copy of Gameday 2007 awaits.

G-d, I miss that guy.

Well guy would be incorrect as superior man only one of many multiple personalities which I for one do not miss.


Anyway good stuff, have been saying this forever but sadly none of the developer listen.

[ddtrane]

Thank you for saying everything I felt too lazy to write about. I bought Madden and now have zero interest in it due to the different controls. Thats not fair EA, I want to enjoy Madden, but why? I almost have to learn a different scheme for the same sport? I call bull---t.

[Brando70]

We play our NCAA dynasties and import our players into Madden and win Super Bowls and bask in the imaginary cheers of adoring fans, which for 50 minutes drowns out the murderous muttering of the squirrels outside our windows.

Great post Superior Man...your pre-release copy of Gameday 2007 awaits.

Superior Man will take his beloved Falcons to the GameDay Super Bowl. Superior Man's children and their children's children and the friends of their children's children will all speak the tales of Superior Man's superior ability to outthink the AI. Then Superior Man will wear his cardboard 989 crown and do his superior dance. Then it will be time for the Superior Masturbation.

[dbdynsty25]

Superior Man will take his beloved Falcons to the GameDay Super Bowl. Superior Man's children and their children's children and the friends of their children's children will all speak the tales of Superior Man's superior ability to outthink the AI. Then Superior Man will wear his cardboard 989 crown and do his superior dance. Then it will be time for the Superior Masturbation.

Precisely.

[Boltman]

Thanks for the laugh and the great read Brando.

[Sudz]

f'in annoying!

word!