Guys with kids... Stay at home mom?

[fletcher21]

I am debating having my gf become a stay at home mom. She makes a marginal income working her job, and it's stressful for all 3 of us (her, myself and my 2 year old). She makes 10 dollars an hour, plus tips. She works in a very upscale salon that is 5x the cost of somewhere like Great Clips or one of the other budget salons. As the economy fell, so did the upscale salon business. Women have stopped going to my gf for an 80 dollar haircut when they can get their hair cut for 20 bucks and get a shampoo with it at a cheap joint. I make 60-70k a year, depending on overtime and a few other factors. 60k is the low end, and 70k would be a GOOD year. I live in a pretty affordable area, so I am not struggling but I am also not able to just go out and buy myself the new M3 or 3D tv that I'd like. The reason I bring this up is I am wondering how life will change if my gf becomes a stay at home mom. If the economy was good, she would make ~40k a year. As it is now, she is only working part time hours and will probably not even make 20k after taxes this year. Her parents watch my daughter 3-5 hours a day. I work my job and then pick her up. My gf drops her off on her way to work. She works 1pm-9pm. I work 5am-3pm or later, so it all depends how long she's with her grandparents a day. It's a lot of stress for everyone. I am wondering how you guys who are the only one in the family who works feels. Is it a good sacrifice to allow their mother to stay home with them, in exchange for missing out on the income she could generate with a job? I am a simple kind of guy. I don't need a lot of money to be happy. My relationship with my gf has been rocky at best, but I am trying to move forward and do what's best for my daughter. I feel like her being at home with her mother would be the best. She is at that age now where she gets sad when she realizes her mom is going to work, and she won't see her until the next day. What do you guys think? I don't know how many guys on here have kids, but I just think this is the best thing to do. Shoot me straight, I can take it.

[toonarmy]

Do what's best for your daughter. Go with your gut instinct on this one.

[TCrouch]

Have you spoken to her about this? Some women want to be working, for the sake of working. Others may be old-fashioned and want to be at home taking care of the kids. Some would go batsh*t crazy without that break in the middle of the day to act like an adult. If she wants to stay home with the kids, then you would feel pretty good about yourself if you were able to make it happen.

Personally, I had to work my ass off to get raises and make it so I could live comfortably after my wife decided she wanted to stay home. For a while, I worked days and she worked nights since we couldn't get daycare for my son who has Autism.

For us, it's been one of the best things ever. We're both sort of old fashioned--but a more "modern" woman might actually get offended at the mere mention of it. I don't know your girlfriend, and you do. I'd make sure it's something that she really wants first, and if it is, go guns blazing to make it work.

You'd be shocked at what you can accomplish when you've got it in your head to be the sole provider for your family. Your daughter will be fine either way. Going to daycare won't turn her into a serial killer, and letting her stay home won't make her an angel when she grows up.

In the end, just remember that as they grow up and are a bit screwed up--it's not all you. When they grow up and do fantastically--it's not all you .

[DChaps]

I agree with everything Terry said outside of being a stay at home Mom being "old-fashioned". When I married my wife she was an independent, "modern", career woman that was a workaholic and had a much higher salary than me. When we decided that she would be a stay at home Mom our income was drastically reduced. However, we have managed to get out of debt, buy a new house, and keep the kids alive for 7 years now. Sometimes it is stressful being the sole financial provider, but you figure out how to do it. It does take sacrifices, but its worth it. I am not saying that what we decided is the "right" way or only way, but it has worked great so far for us. No regrets. I would much rather see my wife pour her uneblieveable work ethic into our kids and household than a corporate job, even if it meant more money. Good luck Fletch!

[F308GTB]

Another option - see if she wants to work part time or switch to another job with better hours. If you were paying for child care it would be a no brainer, but since you have relatives looking after the child, have her work and put all that income into a college fund. That would also greatly benefit your kid in the long term.

[Gurantsu]

Once our second child was born, the cost of the day care was going to get crazy, and my wife and I had always talked about one of us staying home with the kids.

As she is the one with the doctorate and making more money than I was, we decided that I stay home with the kids. It certainly can be stressful, as for 3 years now I rarely talk to anyone over the age of 7, and my wife works like a bear including teaching at night, but we really wouldn't want to change it. My son and I try to meet my wife for lunch when we can so she doesn't feel left out of their lives during the day. I'd much rather be the one helping my kids grow up instead of a day care (although we have had good ones).

And even though I'll be starting over in the job market in a couple of years when both kids are a bit older and off to school (the IT field has marched on without me it seems!), I'm glad I got to do it.

[tjung0831]

My wife has been a stay at home mom for 11 years now and I don't regret it at all. Will I get to retire early now...probably not but that's nothing to the fact that I know who was watching and taking care of my kids the last 11 years. There just isn't a price that you can put on that as far as I'm concerned.

[fsquid]

My wife got pregnany 3 months after she graduated from college, so I just told her to stay home if she wanted to. Sure, my friends with two incomes are able to do more things, but it is nice that when I get home, we aren't running errands and doing other things that we would have to do if we both worked. I think it gives us more family time at night.

[pk500]

All good advice in here. My wife has been a stay-at-home mom since 1998 because she wanted to. It's her decision, not mine, to make.

It has been a wonderful experience for her, the kids and me. The only challenge for us is that I also work at home, so we see each other 24 hours per day. We can get on each others' nerves, even after 19 years of marriage! It's important to create some solo "girl time" and "dude time" for both of us with our friends, and also time where the two of us go out without the kids.

Otherwise, it's been terrific. Sorry, but I don't trust a day-care provider who's not family to raise my children with the values, work ethic and courtesy that we want. Plus I think you have a much more solid nuclear family unit when one of the parents is at home with the kids. There are more regular schedules, more meals together. Sounds Ward and June Cleaver-esque, but it's important.

Yes, it's been a terrific financial sacrifice, as my wife did well selling mortgages before she became a stay-at-home mom. But they don't line your casket with $100 bills, plasma TV's and Rolexs when you die, right?

As far as your wife getting bored, there are so many outlets for activity. She can get involved in a playgroup. She can volunteer. My wife does a sh*tload of volunteer work in our town: coaching and organizing youth sports, organizing nursery school fundraisers, organizing and running PTA staff appreciation luncheons, etc., etc. There's simply no excuse for boredom.

That said, our youngest is in half-day kindergarten this year, and my wife is looking to go back to work. She wouldn't trade her time as a stay-at-home mom, but the guppies are off into the school world, so she wants to start making some coin so we don't have to scrimp and cut corners on everything.

Bottom line: Our No. 1 job as parents is to raise our children properly in a safe, loving environment where personal responsibility and respect come first. It does take money from employment to do that. But we also felt that it also takes someone at home with the kids when they're young to give them the proper foundation to fly as young adults and adults. Others feel differently, and that's cool.

Your mileage may vary. Good luck with the decision!

[pk500]

I agree with everything Terry said outside of being a stay at home Mom being "old-fashioned". When I married my wife she was an independent, "modern", career woman that was a workaholic and had a much higher salary than me. When we decided that she would be a stay at home Mom our income was drastically reduced. However, we have managed to get out of debt, buy a new house, and keep the kids alive for 7 years now. Sometimes it is stressful being the sole financial provider, but you figure out how to do it. It does take sacrifices, but its worth it. I am not saying that what we decided is the "right" way or only way, but it has worked great so far for us. No regrets. I would much rather see my wife pour her uneblieveable work ethic into our kids and household than a corporate job, even if it meant more money. Good luck Fletch!

Jay-zus, Don: Are our wives twins?

[WillHunting]

My wife stayed at home to take care of our little girl. Our budget is very tight, living in Brooklyn/NYC with everything costing so much. But I believe it is worth it in the long run, no one takes care of our baby better than her mom, and I do believe the first few years are crucial to her development. I figure when our daughter is old enough to go to school (she is 2.5 now), my wife can find a part time position or do something at home to make some money.

It really depends on your own finance and how much you can sacrifice, and also your priority. To me, nothing is more important than our child's well being, especially the beginning years.

[Sport73]

My wife hasn't worked full time since our daughter was born. Fortunately, I make enough for us to live comfortably without her income. Either way, I wouldn't trade having my wife at home for an incremental income. The first time you see your child exhibit the values, nuances, and behaviors of your spouse you realize that they are developing with a strong reflection of their mom's character. That's not to say that people who work aren't doing right by their children; they often have 'healthier' balances because they treasure the time they do have more.

Still, my wife being at home was the right choice for us.

That said, any adult needs mental/adult conversation beyond what you can provide as a spouse. My wife took a part-time job in retail around my daughter's school schedule strictly to enjoy a discount on purchases and to have an outlet and to maintain adult relationships/conversations.

So, if your GF stays home, make sure you provide a way for her to have an identity beyond being a mom, otherwise she'll be unhappy and you'll feel the pain.

[RobVarak]

Tickets available at the door, fellas...and we have space and beer to spare! Hope to see a few of you guys tomorrow!

--Rob

[Jimmydeicide]

I agree with everything Terry said outside of being a stay at home Mom being "old-fashioned". When I married my wife she was an independent, "modern", career woman that was a workaholic and had a much higher salary than me. When we decided that she would be a stay at home Mom our income was drastically reduced. However, we have managed to get out of debt, buy a new house, and keep the kids alive for 7 years now. Sometimes it is stressful being the sole financial provider, but you figure out how to do it. It does take sacrifices, but its worth it. I am not saying that what we decided is the "right" way or only way, but it has worked great so far for us. No regrets. I would much rather see my wife pour her uneblieveable work ethic into our kids and household than a corporate job, even if it meant more money. Good luck Fletch!

Jay-zus, Don: Are our wives twins?

Same hear my wife carried on with her job for 18 months or so with no plans to stop working.
Missing them while at work and seeing someone else looking after your kid was killing her and she just changed, motherly instincts kicked in so it was an easy decision, harder to execute especially nowadays but one i will never regret.

And i must say just going to work everyday is way easier than doing what she does everyday.

[pk500]

And i must say just going to work everyday is way easier than doing what she does everyday.

F*ck, yes. None of us have jobs as mentally or physically taxing as being a full-time mother, especially with multiple kids.

[jcalvert]

My wife is a lawyer ... so she can earn a much better living than I can as a software development mgr. With that said, she was working a part-time practice, but with three kids, we decided to do something different. We had a choice to make - oldest son was going to private school, middle kid was going to church pre-school and ready to start kindergarten, and she really wanted to give kid number three as much time as possible.

We could have struggled to put the two oldest kids in private school; that would have probably required my wife to work full-time. It was never an option to send one to private school and the other to public. It was really never an option for my wife not to spend the majority of her time with the kids.

Instead she decided to start home schooling. This is the third doing full time stay-at-home honors plus home school. Seventh grade, third grade, and pre-school. I am biased, but she is doing a great job, the kids are well adjusted and involved in a lot of different activities.

My wife's part-time practice earned a good income; and she only had to work a few hours a week! I certainly miss the extra money, but we manage to get by. Most importantly the kids are getting a lot of attention and an excellent education.

While home schooling is not something you asked about, I do not at all regret my wife staying at home with the kids. If you can swing it, I think it is worth a go.