OT: Serious Post for family advice / help

[JackB1]

OK....where do I begin? I will try to keep this as short as possible. Last week, my wife's father passed away. My wife has 2 other
sisters. One lives in FL where her Mom still is and one is in CA. They are all there in FL right now trying to figure out
what do do with their Mom and he is where the HUGE problem is. Thier Mom has lost it mentally for a few month's now and isn't
able to live without someone babysitting her 24/7. One of my wife's sisters has been living with her at her house for about 3 months
and she can't handle it anymore and says "I'm done". My wife has been trying to watch her the past week, but it has become too much
of a burden and my wife is going insane and we don't know what to do. She can't sleep and her Mom is constantly driving her crazy because
she is pretty much insane and can't be spoken too logically. I can't even go into all the things she does to drive my wife crazy, but my wife
calls me several times a day and she is crying...literally sobbing uncontrollably, because she can't deal with it anymore. She can't sleep and she
can't stand staying in the house where her Dad just was before he died. There are memories of him everywhere. Her sister's think that she
has to "put in her time" now and suffer through it, because they each took turns watching their mother and now they think my wife has to go
through it. In the meantime, they are trying to figure out what to do with their Mom....put her in a retirement home or in the meanwhile get someone
to come watch her and live with her at her house. The other problem is that some of these places have waiting lists and their Mom is aware that
her kids are wanting to put her in a home and she resents it and says she won't go. This whole situation is a nightmare beyond belief. The 3 sisters
cannot agree on a plan for the Mom and nothing seems to be getting done and my wife is slowly crumbling as each passing day goes by. I am
very worried about her and cannot think about anything else other that what's going on down there. The other 2 sister's have "power of attorney" over the
Mom and my wife feels like she is a prisoner and has no say over her other sisters.

So what should we do? I told my wife that if the other sisters won't get something decided soon and won't agree on anything, then she should just come home.
I can't stand to hear her been tortured every day and night in that house with her Mom. It is killing me. I want to step in and bring her home but I know it's not
my business...but my wife's well-being is my business. My wife wants to hire professional help to help sort out matter with their parents finances and also with the
Mom's situation, but the other sisters are in no hurry to decide and want my wife to stay there taking care of the Mom, while they decide what to do with her.
The Mom is insane and no normal non-profl person should be forced to stay with her and take care of her at this point. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone and
if anyone has any advice on what we or my wife should do at this point, please please let me know. Thanks.

[ScoopBrady]

Jack, it sounds like the sisters are not dealing with the loss of their father very well and are taking it out on your wife. When somebody is to the point where they need 24-hour monitoring you really only have 2 options; live-in or assisted living facility. A live-in will be the more costly option. It's not an easy decision to come to when it concerns a parent but it's the inevitable conclusion to this situation. Her sisters need to be convinced of that. Are her sisters married? Maybe start by talking with their husbands about the situation and see if they are on board with that. They would be the best bet to make them see what needs to be done.

[MUTTS]

You need to define "lost it mentally". Is she demented or is this emotionally "lost it". Is she making her own decisions...if so, power of attorney doesnt mean much. They need to have her see her doctor....discuss the issues with the doctor and then from there she may need a geriatric assessment for dementia/capacity/etc or if this is not dementia then a psych eval may be in order.

Tony

[JackB1]

You need to define "lost it mentally". Is she demented or is this emotionally "lost it". Is she making her own decisions...if so, power of attorney doesnt mean much. They need to have her see her doctor....discuss the issues with the doctor and then from there she may need a geriatric assessment for dementia/capacity/etc or if this is not dementia then a psych eval may be in order.
Tony

She has dementia. She cannot think rationally or use logic or reason. She isn't capable of making any of her own decisions and that is readilly apparant after 3 minutes with her. I don't know if she has had a "professional assesment" yet, but there is zero chance that she will be found mentally competent. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

[JackB1]

Jack, it sounds like the sisters are not dealing with the loss of their father very well and are taking it out on your wife. When somebody is to the point where they need 24-hour monitoring you really only have 2 options; live-in or assisted living facility. A live-in will be the more costly option. It's not an easy decision to come to when it concerns a parent but it's the inevitable conclusion to this situation. Her sisters need to be convinced of that. Are her sisters married? Maybe start by talking with their husbands about the situation and see if they are on board with that. They would be the best bet to make them see what needs to be done.

I don't think it's possible to have live-in assistance. She needs so much constant attention, it would take a really special person who could handle her. She cannot be left alone for more than a few minutes and it would be tough to get any sleep with her in the house. I think the sisters all realize she needs to go to a facility, but the 2 other sisters are taking their time deciding on anything and while all this is going on, my wife is going nuts living in the same house with the Mom. She hasn't slept more than a couple hours in 5 days and every time I talk to her, she sounds like she is being tortured. She needs some immediate relief from living in that house where her father just lived and also cannot cope with her Mom. They need a qucik short term solution for the Mom before my wife reaching her breaking point.

[Diablo25]

Jack, it sounds like the sisters are not dealing with the loss of their father very well and are taking it out on your wife. When somebody is to the point where they need 24-hour monitoring you really only have 2 options; live-in or assisted living facility. A live-in will be the more costly option. It's not an easy decision to come to when it concerns a parent but it's the inevitable conclusion to this situation. Her sisters need to be convinced of that. Are her sisters married? Maybe start by talking with their husbands about the situation and see if they are on board with that. They would be the best bet to make them see what needs to be done.

Jack, I totally agree with Scoop here. From what I can gather she needs to be placed in a home. My grandmother just went through that stage in her life. She had dementia/alzheimers and the decision needed to be made. My mom and aunt eventually put her in a home. She lived comfortably for a few years and passed away about 2 months ago. My mom is the one who dealt with the brunt of the time with my grandmother. My aunt lives 2 hours away and (there is no other way to put it) she had it easy. My mom took care of everything and had it rough the passed year. My aunt would come up every month or so and want to do things with my grandmother but she had no clue how bad things were. When you deal with it on an every day basis it grinds on you. You experience numerous emotions but guilt seemed to be the biggest one. I just kept telling my mom it is what it is and you have to make the decision RATIONALLY NOT EMOTIONALLY. It was still a tough decision because it was her mother. I can't even fathom where my mom would be emotionally and physically right now if she had to live with my grandmother and take care of her the last two years. Te two sisters simply need to come to terms with the fact that the mother needs professional care. I hope it all works out dude.

[WillHunting]

Agreed, need to put her in a home and every sibling shares the cost. There is no easy answer, but I think it is best for everyone.

[JackB1]

Agreed, need to put her in a home and every sibling shares the cost. There is no easy answer, but I think it is best for everyone.

I think everyone agrees she need to be put in a home, but that is not the immediate problem. The immediate problem is that my wife is being forced to live with her Mom
right now in their house that is full of memories of her Dad that just died. She cannot sleep and her Mom is driving her crazy. The other sister's are in no hurry to get the
Mom in a home and are taking their sweet time getting everything moving. They both feel my wife needs to "put in her time" and stay with her Mom for 2 weeks and my wife
won't last more than another day or 2. I am worried about her well being and her mental state and I want her to come home, but I have resisted getting involved so far. Something
needs to change and quick.

Thansk to all those that responded. This is a nightmare for my wife and just a horrible situation all around. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

[ScoopBrady]

Jack, if you're looking for permission to be a dick, be a dick. Call the sisters and call them on their bullshit. Either that or go to your wife and support her. That's about the only options you seem to have.

[Gurantsu]

My grandmother went through this a few years ago before she passed. You're right, when the dementia gets to a certain stage something needs to be done. In our case t worked out because my Dad and his wife moved into the house full time, and my step-mom basically spent the last 2 years of my grandmothers life making her as comfortable as possible. But she had to be watched or she would have hurt herself. They did look into a home, but my step-mom stepped up and said she would take care of her (with nursing help). Truely a god-send, but they were prepared to put her in a home if no other choice was available.

They don't want to go in a home. They will never want to go in a home. They will fight tooth and nail and lay guilt on you like you wouldn't believe. (Hell, I suppose no one would WANT to go!) But not everyone can afford to stay home with them. At the point a home becomes the only option. It's sad, but at this point they need to think with their heads, not their hearts. Most people just aren't equipped to take care of a person like that.

As far as the way the sisters are acting, thats between them. Just keep in mind that this is a crazy stressful time for everyone. Hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

[10spro]

Jack, you may have two sisters in Law but only one wife. She's going through a lot I am sure. Do support her at all cost and go with your gut feeling. I remember my Grandma who had a large influence in raising us when we were really young was put on an old folks home because of her advancing Alzheimers, and I was in denial. She was living with my parents and it was difficult looking after her for them. Now, no one will look better after your wife's Mom than their own family. But does she have the time to do so? It wouldn't be fair for her do it all alone, everyone must pitch in.

Now once in the care of old folks home, your family may go through a guilty period and perhaps worry even farther about her conditions. But she will get used to her new environment, your family in- law will get used to it, but make sure that you guys take turns to visit her regularly, especially during meal times. Her Grandma would always appreciate it and also she would make new friends there too.

There's really no best solution when your family is going thru this difficult times, but her sisters must share the load of caring for the elderly.

[pk500]

Jack:

The question your wife must ask, removing her sisters' complaining and her mother's objections from the equation: What's best for Mom?

Sure sounds like moving her to a home will provide her with the best care.

Best of luck with this situation. Tough, tough deal.

[Teal]

Be a dick. Else your wife will end up like her mom. You say the other two sisters have power of attorney? Then I say that gives them responsibility. Let them handle it. Screw their opinion.

[MizzouRah]

I think it's time for you to step in and I agree with everyone, she needs to move into a home as soon as possible.

Best of luck.. very tough on everyone I'm sure.

[pigpen81]

Jack,

having been through some similar circumstances and maybe about to go through it again.....get her into a home.

No sane parent wants to be a burden on their children.

[JackB1]

Thanks again to everyone for their advice and comments........


The immediate issue is not deciding on putting the Mom in a home. I think everyone involved knows that needs to happen.
The immediate issue is that my wife is going nuts trying to care and live with her Mom every day in their old house, with
memories of her Dad everywhere. She cannot sleep and is stressed out and the other sisters seem insensitive to her situation
and and are dragging their feet and arguing about everything. If it doesn't get better soon, I am going to insist she come home.
Something needs to change fast or things will deteriorate quickly and all 3 sisters may end up never speaking again. One sister
is saying they can't afford to do anything and opposes every solution. The other sister is ambivalent and doesn't have an opinion
on anything. My wife wants to get proffesionals to help out and spend whatever money her parents have left for her Mom's well being.
They can't seem to agree on anything.

[Slumberland]

Can some short-term live-in care be hired until the overall strategy is mapped out?

[Zlax45]

Jack,

Sounds to me like the sister in Florida that has watched her for the last three months is tired of having both your wife and the other sister in CA not helping out at all. Your wife has been there only a week now and the other sister has been doing this for much longer.

Anyways, get her in a home.

[sportdan30]

Jack,

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's troubles. When she hurts, you hurt twice as much. So, hopefully there will be a resolution soon.

However in my opinion, you and your wife have to take matters in to your own hands. Don't worry about pissing off the sisters IMO. And F them for thinking that your wife has to endure the pain and suffering they did. That's ridiculously petty and childish. Get your mother-in-law a mental examination and take it from there. Your mother-in-law is no longer sane to make her own decisions, but just enough to vehemently tell you she doesn't want to go to a facility. After the doctor recommends she go to a facility, you research one that she'll be happy living at, and pack her up and move her in. As much as your wife is struggling, your mother-in-law is suffering too. She just doesn't have the mental ability to communicate it.

It's not easy when it comes to dealing with family matters, especially one in which the siblings are not biologically related to you. However, you also know what is right and for the betterment of everyone involved. It's going to be rough for a while, but cool heads will prevail eventually.

Good luck!

[JackB1]

Jack,

Sounds to me like the sister in Florida that has watched her for the last three months is tired of having both your wife and the other sister in CA not helping out at all. Your wife has been there only a week now and the other sister has been doing this for much longer.

Anyways, get her in a home.

That is not fair. The other sister was caring for their Mom in her own home and BEFORE their father passed away. I understand she wants the others to help, but being spiteful is not the way to go about it. Also, some people are more equipped to deal with things like this than others. Nobody insisted that the sister take that burden. She took it on herself and while it is very commendable, she should expect the other sisters to be able to do the same. Also, the Mom's condition has worsened since the father's death and the overall situation after the father's death is very different and more stressful.

[snaz16]

Jack,

Sounds to me like the sister in Florida that has watched her for the last three months is tired of having both your wife and the other sister in CA not helping out at all. Your wife has been there only a week now and the other sister has been doing this for much longer.

Anyways, get her in a home.

That is not fair. The other sister was caring for their Mom in her own home and BEFORE their father passed away. I understand she wants the others to help, but being spiteful is not the way to go about it. Also, some people are more equipped to deal with things like this than others. Nobody insisted that the sister take that burden. She took it on herself and while it is very commendable, she should expect the other sisters to be able to do the same. Also, the Mom's condition has worsened since the father's death and the overall situation after the father's death is very different and more stressful.

Jack, my heart goes out to you,as I lived that scenario with my Dad and Mom about 7 yrs ago. I don't think Zlax quite meant his post to come out as it sounded, with that said, the info you have gotten is sound advice. If I could add a suggestion or 2, there are some great support groups in Florida for Alzhiemers,the one I believe your wife needs,and I'm not sure what its called,but there are volunteers that have been thru this,that will come to your Mom's home and sit with her for a few hours,and let your wife get away,if even to get away to grocery shop for a couple of hours.
Its free,look into this for her immediately. I never realized how bad my Dad was until my Mom's sugar bottomed out one day,and I spent the night at thier house. My Dad had dementia with whats called sundowners syndrome ,which pretty much means they're up all night long,which I suspect your M-In law has. It took me all of 2 days to make the decision that Pop needed full time help.
Take the bull by the horns Jack,and screw your sister in laws. Your wife's immediate health and mind are on the line. There isn't any of this sh!t,that I did it for 2 months,its your turn. F*ck that ! If your sis in law did that ,too bad,and shame on her for putting your wife[ and her sister] in that no win situation anyway. Interject yourself in this,even if you got to be the heavy,and insist with the sisters that something happens NOW! That may deflect the angst towards you and away from your wife. You got big shoulders,you can handle it. And your wife will be forever grateful.
Contact your local Alzheimers association to start,and go from there. They should be able to get you info on the local chapter were your wife is at. Not sure where your Mom in laws finances are at,but once the money runs out,the state of Florida picks up the tab for assisted living. Downside to that is they place her where they want to. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. Dementia/Alzheimers is a terrible disease that I don't wish on anyone or thier families. Understand that this is the beginning of the end. It eventually robs one of thier ability to remember, to walk, to swallow,and breathe. Its painful to watch,and live. Good luck Jack,and keep us updated. You got your work cut out for you,and you'll piss some family off(been there)but they will get over it.And if they don't, too bad.Take care of your wife,she needs you now more than ever.

[Zlax45]

Jack,

Sounds to me like the sister in Florida that has watched her for the last three months is tired of having both your wife and the other sister in CA not helping out at all. Your wife has been there only a week now and the other sister has been doing this for much longer.

Anyways, get her in a home.

That is not fair. The other sister was caring for their Mom in her own home and BEFORE their father passed away. I understand she wants the others to help, but being spiteful is not the way to go about it. Also, some people are more equipped to deal with things like this than others. Nobody insisted that the sister take that burden. She took it on herself and while it is very commendable, she should expect the other sisters to be able to do the same. Also, the Mom's condition has worsened since the father's death and the overall situation after the father's death is very different and more stressful.

I have seen my grandmother being taken care of by my mother for the last four years and both her sisters live over 3 hours away. So when there was a decision on whether to pull the plug or to keep her living, my two aunts come in and don't understand her dire the position is trying to override my mother's decision. I am sorry if that came off harsh....

[FifaInspected]

Jack,

Sorry to hear this, man.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzhiemers in march of last year. We are in the early stages but between my dad and my two sisters, we are doing our best to plot a course best we can in advance. I can't imagine the day to day of your situation, but I'm praying for your family.

This community is excellent. Although we spend a lot of our time discuss the frivolous world of gaming, when life calls, and serious issues arise, this community shares it's wealth of experiences..



~ Dave

[pigpen81]

Not to make light of a bad situation....but we DSP'ers need a DSP retirement we can all adjourn to when we can't take care of ourselves.

We could have an XBOX wing, PS3 wing, Nintendo wing, Backbreaker wing, Madden Wing...etc.

Let's all kick the bucket in video gaming heaven style.

You can imagine the gaming tournaments we could have. Winner gets the hottest nurse in the place to attend to them for the week

[GTHobbes]

This community is excellent. Although we spend a lot of our time discuss the frivolous world of gaming, when life calls, and serious issues arise, this community shares it's wealth of experiences..

~ Dave

Amen on that.