Some of you might remember a while back I had a cancer scare with my Mom and she had her kidney removerd...they found out it wasn't cancer and she was OK. Yesterday I got the news that she has acute leukemia and the doctor is giving her 2 months max to live. She has been sick recently with a steadily decreasing white blood cell count, so this wasn't a total shock, but a huge one still. I am still kind of in a daze about it. She is 77 yrs old and the "finality" of hearing this is very hard to deal with. Because of her age, there are no good treatment options for her, so we all decided it best to keep her comfortable from here on out until the end and do everything to prevent her from suffering. We will be moving her from the hospital to a hospice in a few days. All of this has been very overwhelming to say the least. I am going up to NJ next week to see her and assist my sister in making arrangements to sell some of her belongings, clear out her apt, etc. The doctors gave her 2 month's max, but they think she wont last more than a few weeks. I hope she can hold out for as long as possible, but I also don't want her to suffer. Now that she understands the situtation, I think my Mom doesn't want things to drag out too long. It will be a difficult next several weeks for me.
Has anyone else had a similiar situation, where a parent was diagnosed as terminally ill? How did you deal with it and what got you through it all?
I don't know where to begin in planning all this stuf....pre-funeral planning, last wills, financial things, etc. All the stuff you never think about and all of a sudden it's in your face.
Sorry to dump all this out here, but you guys always have good advice that helps me get through the hard times. This will be the hardest yet.
OT: Mom
Moderators: Bill_Abner, ScoopBrady
Having dealt with hospice numerous times as a physician, I have for the most part found them to be extremely supportive with many of these issues. They likely have a social worker who can answer a lot of your questions. Also, dont be afraid to speak to your mother to find out her wishes. Too often I see children try to keep things a secret from mom/dad when they know darn well what is going on. Her participation in decisions will likely make things much easier on you. Obviously, I dont know the situation but she certainly may have her own opinions with respect to funeral/burial etc. Hope that helps.
Tony
Tony
My goodness, Jack, I'm very sorry to hear that. I have no real experience with this kind of thing, so unfortunately I have no advice to offer you, and can't imagine what you all must be going through. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this very difficult time.
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sportdan30
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pk500
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Jack:
Man, I'm really sorry.
A close friend of mine just lost his father to cancer, and his dad spent his final days in hospice. My buddy just raved about the care and quality of life in his dad's final days in hospice. Hopefully that provides some comfort.
Otherwise, just try to focus on creating positive memories with your Mom these final few weeks. Rather than thinking of the final outcome, take each day as a gift to spend with your Mom and the rest of your family.
It's funny: We've talked on the phone a number of times, and we've never really discussed if you're a man of faith. If you are, then rely on it now more than ever. Pray to your Supreme Being that He provides any joy possible to you and your family during this time, and pray that your Mom receives comfort and peace in the weeks ahead.
Small words, but they're the best I can think of now. I'll try to give you a ring over the weekend.
Hang in there, man.
Take care,
PK
Man, I'm really sorry.
A close friend of mine just lost his father to cancer, and his dad spent his final days in hospice. My buddy just raved about the care and quality of life in his dad's final days in hospice. Hopefully that provides some comfort.
Otherwise, just try to focus on creating positive memories with your Mom these final few weeks. Rather than thinking of the final outcome, take each day as a gift to spend with your Mom and the rest of your family.
It's funny: We've talked on the phone a number of times, and we've never really discussed if you're a man of faith. If you are, then rely on it now more than ever. Pray to your Supreme Being that He provides any joy possible to you and your family during this time, and pray that your Mom receives comfort and peace in the weeks ahead.
Small words, but they're the best I can think of now. I'll try to give you a ring over the weekend.
Hang in there, man.
Take care,
PK
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Jack, I just went through something sort of similar to this with my mom recently, only the time frame was much shorter (about a week). She passed away January 2nd.
My mom had a will. Since my had has already passed away and I'm the only child everything goes to me, including the responsibility of settling the estate. So I am in the process of doing all the things someone in your family sadly and inevitably will have to do.
After my dad died last year, my mom went to her lawyer and had three things done:
1. She had her will updated.
2. She had a Durable Power of Attorney prepared. The Power of Attorney lets certain people she has named act on her behalf while she is alive if she is not in any condition to act for herself.
3. She had an Advanced Medical directive Prepared. The Advanced Medical Directive gave instructions regarding her hospital care. I forget the exact wording of it, but basically she did not want to have her life prolonged if she was in a vegetative state or if machines were essentially keeping her alive.
These three documents made things much easier for me. I would find out if she had any of these prepared in the past. If she hasn't you may want to look into getting this done. Although, this is generally not the best time to do things like this due to all the emotional duress everyone is under. It is always best to prepare for the inevitable when your healthy and your mind is thinking straight. In any event, you may want to consult with a lawyer and at least discuss your situation.
In my case, there was really no time to exercise the Power of Attorney, but in your case you have time.
Some other things to think about:
Did she have a life insurance policy, bank accounts, funds, property, vehicles. If she did, you want to get these out of her name or at least have someone else's name put on the account. I think it's OK and legal to do that.
You also might want to find out any outstanding bills and debts she has.
I realize that you want to spend time with your mother and it almost seems selfish to do things like this. But I think looking into these things and trying to protect your mothers assets will make everyone's life easier in the long run. Just always remember to try and act in your mother's best interests.
I don't know your situation and how many assets or possessions your mother had, but estates can take a while to settle. It will take at least six months to settle mine if everything goes well. Complicated estates can take years. Every state can be different, but in Vermont it works something like this:
If a beneficiary is named on an account then the beneficiary receives what is in the account and is protected from creditors. If there is no beneficary on an account, it goes into what is called the "Estate". The estate is not protected from creditors. All debts, bills and what not are paid from this. If your mom had a will she will have named someone or more than one person the "Executor(s) of the Estate"
I would write more, but it's late and I can't think clearly. I'll try and write a little more tomorrow. I hope this at least helps a little. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My mom had a will. Since my had has already passed away and I'm the only child everything goes to me, including the responsibility of settling the estate. So I am in the process of doing all the things someone in your family sadly and inevitably will have to do.
After my dad died last year, my mom went to her lawyer and had three things done:
1. She had her will updated.
2. She had a Durable Power of Attorney prepared. The Power of Attorney lets certain people she has named act on her behalf while she is alive if she is not in any condition to act for herself.
3. She had an Advanced Medical directive Prepared. The Advanced Medical Directive gave instructions regarding her hospital care. I forget the exact wording of it, but basically she did not want to have her life prolonged if she was in a vegetative state or if machines were essentially keeping her alive.
These three documents made things much easier for me. I would find out if she had any of these prepared in the past. If she hasn't you may want to look into getting this done. Although, this is generally not the best time to do things like this due to all the emotional duress everyone is under. It is always best to prepare for the inevitable when your healthy and your mind is thinking straight. In any event, you may want to consult with a lawyer and at least discuss your situation.
In my case, there was really no time to exercise the Power of Attorney, but in your case you have time.
Some other things to think about:
Did she have a life insurance policy, bank accounts, funds, property, vehicles. If she did, you want to get these out of her name or at least have someone else's name put on the account. I think it's OK and legal to do that.
You also might want to find out any outstanding bills and debts she has.
I realize that you want to spend time with your mother and it almost seems selfish to do things like this. But I think looking into these things and trying to protect your mothers assets will make everyone's life easier in the long run. Just always remember to try and act in your mother's best interests.
I don't know your situation and how many assets or possessions your mother had, but estates can take a while to settle. It will take at least six months to settle mine if everything goes well. Complicated estates can take years. Every state can be different, but in Vermont it works something like this:
If a beneficiary is named on an account then the beneficiary receives what is in the account and is protected from creditors. If there is no beneficary on an account, it goes into what is called the "Estate". The estate is not protected from creditors. All debts, bills and what not are paid from this. If your mom had a will she will have named someone or more than one person the "Executor(s) of the Estate"
I would write more, but it's late and I can't think clearly. I'll try and write a little more tomorrow. I hope this at least helps a little. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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RobVarak
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Jack,
I'm terribly sorry to hear that news. Prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. As an estate planning attorney, I heartily second all of Peabody's recommendations. Those will make things much easier for your and all of your loved ones at a time when you can all benefit from as little additional stress as possible.
I'm terribly sorry to hear that news. Prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. As an estate planning attorney, I heartily second all of Peabody's recommendations. Those will make things much easier for your and all of your loved ones at a time when you can all benefit from as little additional stress as possible.
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dbdynsty25
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Jack...I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm kinda dealing with the same thing right now with my Grandpa (not quite as close as a parent, but still damn hard to deal with). He was diagnosed with liver cancer a few weeks ago, and he literally only has a few more weeks to live due to the advanced stage of the tumor. There really is nothing you can do except to be there for the person and let them know you love them. It's hard to think about what life will be like when they are gone...but you'll get through it. My prayers are with ya man.
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ExtremeGamer
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Sorry to hear about that Jack...
2 years ago, My dad went from being completely healthy one month, to the next being terminally ill with Cancer. From diagnosis to death, he lived 2 months. The last week was at home with Hospice, I can't rave enough at how caring and understanding they were. I basically spent day and night by his bedside.
Everyone will handle and deal with it differently. For me, it still hurts. But the only positive I got out of it, was I had complete closure with my Dad. Instead of him going in the middle of the night or what not, I was able to say goodbye. That's the most I guess I could ever ask for.
Hang in there.
2 years ago, My dad went from being completely healthy one month, to the next being terminally ill with Cancer. From diagnosis to death, he lived 2 months. The last week was at home with Hospice, I can't rave enough at how caring and understanding they were. I basically spent day and night by his bedside.
Everyone will handle and deal with it differently. For me, it still hurts. But the only positive I got out of it, was I had complete closure with my Dad. Instead of him going in the middle of the night or what not, I was able to say goodbye. That's the most I guess I could ever ask for.
Hang in there.
Really sorry to hear about your Mom, Jack. My own Mom passed unexpectedly a year ago this week...really sucks. With the accountants, doctors, lawyers, etc. that frequent this board, I'm sure you will get some great tips/advice here, and it's good that you're thinking about these questions now while your Mom is still here to answer any questions about her creditors, accounts, and most importantly, her own final wishes. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time.
Sorry to hear the sad news.
Being the youngest child in a Catholic family (and a late surprise - my Mom was 41 and Dad was 50 when I was born) I had to deal with this situation twice.
My mom died of cancer during my first year of grad school (she was 63) and my dad died at 88, also of cancer.
I think that my best advice would be to spend as much time as you can with your mom while she is still able to visit. It always amazes me that people will end up taking time off for a funeral rather than taking time off to spend with the loved one while they are still with us.
While my dad was sick I was in Florida and he was in North Carolina. We got up to visit several times, but I had planned to spend a full week helping out the hospice folks (and my sister who was his caregiver). As it turned out, he passed away the Friday night before I was to leave for NC for my week of care giving. I have always regretted that i was not able to get up there sooner and help out more.
It also helps to understand what your mom is going through - I know with my dad there were times close to the end where he became distant and lacking in much emotion. You would arrive to visit and while he would be glad to see me and my wife, you could tell that he was otherwise engaged. That is very natural - there is a period of detachment where the person is dealing with what is happening with them.
And like others have said, it is important to remember that this is a natural part of life and that your mom was fortunate to have many good years. It is a small consolation, but something that gives you some perspective.
Being the youngest child in a Catholic family (and a late surprise - my Mom was 41 and Dad was 50 when I was born) I had to deal with this situation twice.
My mom died of cancer during my first year of grad school (she was 63) and my dad died at 88, also of cancer.
I think that my best advice would be to spend as much time as you can with your mom while she is still able to visit. It always amazes me that people will end up taking time off for a funeral rather than taking time off to spend with the loved one while they are still with us.
While my dad was sick I was in Florida and he was in North Carolina. We got up to visit several times, but I had planned to spend a full week helping out the hospice folks (and my sister who was his caregiver). As it turned out, he passed away the Friday night before I was to leave for NC for my week of care giving. I have always regretted that i was not able to get up there sooner and help out more.
It also helps to understand what your mom is going through - I know with my dad there were times close to the end where he became distant and lacking in much emotion. You would arrive to visit and while he would be glad to see me and my wife, you could tell that he was otherwise engaged. That is very natural - there is a period of detachment where the person is dealing with what is happening with them.
And like others have said, it is important to remember that this is a natural part of life and that your mom was fortunate to have many good years. It is a small consolation, but something that gives you some perspective.
That is very sad news Jack. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Very good advice in this thread already, particularly the legal. I really can't help out much more there.
I will also say as above, find a good Hospice and rely on their resources. Going through this with my Dad last year, I learned that I completely misunderstood what Hospice care is all about. They really helped my Dad, my Mom and our entire family and they know how to deal with these situations in a caring manner.
I will also say as above, find a good Hospice and rely on their resources. Going through this with my Dad last year, I learned that I completely misunderstood what Hospice care is all about. They really helped my Dad, my Mom and our entire family and they know how to deal with these situations in a caring manner.
Jack,Has anyone else had a similiar situation, where a parent was diagnosed as terminally ill? How did you deal with it and what got you through it all?
Very deeply sorry to hear the news. My wife and I just went through this as her mom passed away the day before Thanksgiving from Lung Cancer. We learned that her mom was terminally ill about 2 to 3 months after our little girl was born. She was our daycare for her and really enjoyed taking care of her during the day. As a matter of fact my in-laws had just built a house over on this side of town so they could be closer to the kids as my brother-in-law and his wife had just had a baby girl about 6 months before us.
Everything in life was great and then one day a trip to the doctor changed all of that for us. I won't lie to you Jack and say that it'll be ok and all what-not. I'm truly sorry to say that it is going to be a very rough road and I think each person deals with something like this differently.
My advice to you is to do whatever you can to make her comfortable and try to stay positive around her and not to let her see you upset. IF your mom is anything like my mother-in-law she's caring more about your well being right now than her own. She needs to know that you're going to be ok. Just make sure she knows you love her (which I'm more than 100 percent sure she already knows) and just try to stay strong man.
If you have any specific questions or need anything send me a PM and I'll try to help out in any way I can. I really am sorry to hear this news and know that you and your family will be in my prayers.
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ScoopBrady
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I'm very sorry to hear this Jack. Both of my parents are still alive but I've dealt with a similar situation with my grandparents and I've seen it happen with my sister-in-law. There's likely no words that can comfort you while this is going on but know that a lot of us our behind you whether it be here or on Live.
I am a patient boy.
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.
My time is water down a drain.
I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.
My time is water down a drain.
It certainly is a great community Mizz and I REALLY appreciate everyone's advice, thoughts and prayers.
To those with legal expertise......do we really need a lawyer to execute the will? My mom doesn't have much and me and my sister are not going to fight over anything.
All she has is:
a car (worth maybe 4K),
a leased apartment
a checking accct with maybe 5K in it.
some jewelry (not sure the value, but can't be over 10-15K)
some credit card debt........maybe 5K.
I am guessing we will sell her car and use that money to pay off her credit card debt. I believe she has her will in order and I might have Power Of Attorney over her (does that have to be updated every so often?). I think she also has a "living will" that dictates if she will or won't be kept artificially alive. Me and my sisters biggest concerns right now are paying for the upcoming funeral and paying for the hospice care.
My mom has said she would prefer to do hospice at home, but she has a tiny apt. and doesn't the hospice worker need to be there around the clock? I will scour the internet on all these issues, because we don't have the $$$ to pay a lawyer to handle this stuff.
The only "good" thing about all this, is that we have a little time to plan.
We have to view that as a gift and use it wisely. I am going to NJ this Wed night to spend time with her and help my sister out with whatever I can. I am most worried about my sister. Her and my Mom were extremely close...they spoke multiple times per day and my sister will have a huge void without her around. I think I will be OK as I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now. I know only passing time will make that "heavy heart" feeling go away and I am hoping that she goes out peacefully, without any suffering. This something that most of us will go through at some point and as one of you said, is a natural part of life.
This is my turn.
To those with legal expertise......do we really need a lawyer to execute the will? My mom doesn't have much and me and my sister are not going to fight over anything.
All she has is:
a car (worth maybe 4K),
a leased apartment
a checking accct with maybe 5K in it.
some jewelry (not sure the value, but can't be over 10-15K)
some credit card debt........maybe 5K.
I am guessing we will sell her car and use that money to pay off her credit card debt. I believe she has her will in order and I might have Power Of Attorney over her (does that have to be updated every so often?). I think she also has a "living will" that dictates if she will or won't be kept artificially alive. Me and my sisters biggest concerns right now are paying for the upcoming funeral and paying for the hospice care.
My mom has said she would prefer to do hospice at home, but she has a tiny apt. and doesn't the hospice worker need to be there around the clock? I will scour the internet on all these issues, because we don't have the $$$ to pay a lawyer to handle this stuff.
The only "good" thing about all this, is that we have a little time to plan.
We have to view that as a gift and use it wisely. I am going to NJ this Wed night to spend time with her and help my sister out with whatever I can. I am most worried about my sister. Her and my Mom were extremely close...they spoke multiple times per day and my sister will have a huge void without her around. I think I will be OK as I have been mentally preparing for this for a while now. I know only passing time will make that "heavy heart" feeling go away and I am hoping that she goes out peacefully, without any suffering. This something that most of us will go through at some point and as one of you said, is a natural part of life.
This is my turn.
MizzouRah wrote: Lots of great advice and thoughts in this thread, a great community DS is.
Jack,
I am no lawyer and can only speak from the experience I am going through right now so you may want to get someone more knowledgable to double check my supposed facts, but...
I believe that you are not responsible for your mothers debts. I wouldn't pay anything on the credit card right now. Just let it sit there, as long as your mother's name is the only one connected to that account.
I would also pretend that your mother gave you or your sister the jewelry. I am not sure how anyone could prove otherwise. There is no sense in having mementos of your mothers getting tied up in the estate to pay for bills.
Have ownership of the car transferred to your name or sell it before she passes away.
Have your name attached to your mother's checking account. Or better yet, close the account and put the money in your sister's or your bank account.
The reason I am saying to do all of this is that when she passes and the "Estate" is set up it will look like she has no real assets. The credit card debt and any other debt in your mother's name will simply disappear. Hospital bills included. The creditors can not come after you. They can try, but you have no legal obligation to pay them. Again, I am only speaking from my experience in the State of Vermont and other states might be different.
Did your mother have health insurance? I would assume hospice would be covered on that.
The only thing you will have to pay for is the funeral. Funeral costs I think range from 2k to 5k depending on what you have done. If cremation is what your mother desired it will be cheaper that if you do a burial with embalming and a viewing. You can ask her yourself what she desired, but the Will may also give you direction.
As for if a lawyer is needed to execute the Will I am not sure. I went directly to the lawyer that had prepared my mother's Will. There are quite a few things that have to be done after a person passes and it can get a little confusing. A lawyer can definitely guide you. My lawyer could not give me a fixed price on what it would cost and said he charged by the hour. However, he has paralegals do most of the work. My lawyer told me that in my case it would probably be somewhere between 2k to 4k. This money will come out of my mother's estate. I did have to pay a $500 retainer though.
I would definitely find the Will and other documents and read over them as soon as you can. I would then get the Power of Attorney signed. I'm not sure if someone has to witness that or not. The Will will also tell you who the "Executor of the Estate" is as well. This person is the reponsible person for settling the affairs after your mother passes.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little.
I am no lawyer and can only speak from the experience I am going through right now so you may want to get someone more knowledgable to double check my supposed facts, but...
I believe that you are not responsible for your mothers debts. I wouldn't pay anything on the credit card right now. Just let it sit there, as long as your mother's name is the only one connected to that account.
I would also pretend that your mother gave you or your sister the jewelry. I am not sure how anyone could prove otherwise. There is no sense in having mementos of your mothers getting tied up in the estate to pay for bills.
Have ownership of the car transferred to your name or sell it before she passes away.
Have your name attached to your mother's checking account. Or better yet, close the account and put the money in your sister's or your bank account.
The reason I am saying to do all of this is that when she passes and the "Estate" is set up it will look like she has no real assets. The credit card debt and any other debt in your mother's name will simply disappear. Hospital bills included. The creditors can not come after you. They can try, but you have no legal obligation to pay them. Again, I am only speaking from my experience in the State of Vermont and other states might be different.
Did your mother have health insurance? I would assume hospice would be covered on that.
The only thing you will have to pay for is the funeral. Funeral costs I think range from 2k to 5k depending on what you have done. If cremation is what your mother desired it will be cheaper that if you do a burial with embalming and a viewing. You can ask her yourself what she desired, but the Will may also give you direction.
As for if a lawyer is needed to execute the Will I am not sure. I went directly to the lawyer that had prepared my mother's Will. There are quite a few things that have to be done after a person passes and it can get a little confusing. A lawyer can definitely guide you. My lawyer could not give me a fixed price on what it would cost and said he charged by the hour. However, he has paralegals do most of the work. My lawyer told me that in my case it would probably be somewhere between 2k to 4k. This money will come out of my mother's estate. I did have to pay a $500 retainer though.
I would definitely find the Will and other documents and read over them as soon as you can. I would then get the Power of Attorney signed. I'm not sure if someone has to witness that or not. The Will will also tell you who the "Executor of the Estate" is as well. This person is the reponsible person for settling the affairs after your mother passes.
Anyway, I hope this helps a little.